Learning Never Stops

I’ve learned a few lessons in the past couple of weeks.  I have irritated myself with mistakes.  I have been disappointed by how I react to people or situations.  But in the end I have learned various lessons.  I observe myself during situations, realizing I am acting in specific ways – in ways that I wish I didn’t, but didn’t have the courage to act otherwise.  Afterwards, I looked back, and knew the mistakes I had made.  They were very clear.  I thought about how I would react the next time something similar happens, and I hope that I am able to react in a way that I would be happy with.

Most fears come from how I think people will think about me.  It happens everyday.  How will they look at me when I pick my son up from school?  I have visible tattoos in a society that doesn’t accept them.  What will that person think when I remind them of something they owe me?  Will they think I am a greedy person?  Even if they did, why should I care?  I know in my mind, what is right for me.  What other people think – or more specifically, what I think other people think – about me should really have no bearing on my own life.  BUT, yet it does.  It prevents from being me.  Actually, it is just me that is preventing myself.

Stuff happens in life, but it’s not the stuff that happens, but how we react to it that is most important.  The things that have happened to me in recent weeks are like signals from myself to indicate that I am unhappy with an aspect of myself.  The occurrences are indications that I need to change something, I need to learn something, I have some of deficiency, or some kind of ignorance.  Feelings of pain, anger, irritation, annoyance, bitterness, stubbornness are the feelings of growth.  The old cliche, no pain, no gain is literally true.  Without some kind of death, there is no life.

Every time some challenge occurs, something that I struggle with, something that bugs the hell out of me; these are little deaths.  The death of some kind of innocence, something I did not forsee, something that had to die in order for me to grow.  The thing is, there will always be these kind of deaths, some larger and more destructive than others.  I will learn to keep dying.

Months ago, I told myself that I need to make mistakes in order to learn.  And now, the fruits of my labour are being born.  Mistakes have been made, lessons learned, growth achieved.  These things are part of what makes me an adventurer.  What makes me feel uncomfortable will surely help me grow.  I don’t think I have ever achieved anything useful in a zone of comfort.  And I could point to times of discomfort where I learned the most about myself.

And that’s kind of what it’s all about: learning about myself.  learning what I am capable of.  Yes, it really is a hero’s journey, and I wouldn’t change it for anything else.

Faith in Youth

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Today I met an inspiring young man, all of 18 years old.  He carried himself with grace and humility.  He was wise beyond his years.

He has recently returned to his home country after being away for 2 years.  Can you imagine?  Being 16, leaving your own country, going to school in a place where your own language is not used.  Could you handle it?  Would I have been able to?  I don’t know.  I know I was too wrapped up in my own seemingly meaningless youth at that point in my life to care about personal growth and challenges. Hell, it took me up until a couple of years ago to realize the way I did shit wasn’t really cutting it on the development front.

But the guy I met today has that going for him already.  It kind of restored my faith in the youth of today.  Because I know how sidetracked and carefree we can be as teenagers.  And this is Japan.  I know some shit happens here, but the kind of stuff I was doing as high school student in Canada was probably worse.  So I am aware of how messed up youth can be.  And not having family to help out and set you straight can be devastating.

It was just refreshing to meet a young dude with tons of potential and ambition.  But maybe I’m wrong and there lots of those types out there already.  I just hope my own son will listen to reason, have a supportive network and seek out opportunities.  I waited too long to do that myself.  I wouldn’t consider myself a failure by any stretch of the imagination, but I certainly wasted a lot of time doing nothing.  Knowing now how quickly time passes, I would give advice to youth -if they were to listen-to not waste time playing video games, hanging out in arcades (does those still exist?), stealing shit, doing drugs, getting wasted, fighting, etc…..all that dumb shit.

I definitely traveled alot when I was younger.  I would always say travel when you can.  I learned so much about myself that way.  Now, travel takes on a more relaxed and comfortable tone.  It’s less about challenging myself and more about pampering.  But when you’re young, there’s not much pampering, and that’s a good thing.  We need challenges to grow.

Again, back to the young lad I met today.  He is ready to take on the world it seems.  He is up for a challenge.  I respect that.

Made me feel good about the possible state of the world after my own kid(s?) grow up.  Cuz I know I haven’t done much to help it out.  Faith now lies in the spirited and dedicated youth of today.

 

Undefined Feelings

What I want to do is describe why exactly I feel the way I do about a particular situation.  But I have been having difficulty defining the reason for the emotions I have.  It’s probably not appropriate to divulge specifics in this space either, but I do need an outlet, and that is the main reason this blog exists.

The situation involves people I have known for over a year.  It involves agreements, and money.  It involves time and planning.  Somewhere – and I’m pretty sure I know the place – there was a miscommunication.  And that was probably my fault.  When it comes to discussing money, in particular money that someone will pay me for some kind of service I will provide, I have a block.

That block prevents me from being clear.  It stops me from saying exactly what I think I am owed.  I take into consideration other peoples opinions of me.  Like, am I worth that amount of money?  Do I need to provide the best of that particular service for them to appreciate me?  What if they are not satisfied?  These questions are a result of a lack of confidence in myself.  It is a dismissal of the core values that I believe I hold close.  It is a subconscious refusal to believe that I am worth what I expect.

It is only within the last year or so that I have even begun to question my own paradigms.  It had taken me close to 40 years(!) to realize that I am worth exactly how much I define myself to be worth. Until recent years, I chronically undervalued myself.  I would feel ashamed, embarrassed, or unworthy to accept money for a service that I provided.  My worldview in relation to money was in large part formed by my penny-pinching parents, especially my father (RIP).  It was framed in such a way that I viewed cheap things as valuable: the cheaper the better.  So when I began to provide services for clients, that ‘cheaper is better’ worldview shaped my expectations of how much money I should receive.

And that led to uncomfortable situations that occurred when I needed to discuss with a client the price of my services.  I used phrases like, ‘If it’s OK…….’, or I know it’s a little expensive, but….’. Discussing money with people has always been a challenge.

Now I look at receiving money as an exchange for my time.  And my time has become increasingly more important.  My son requires my time.  So does my wife.  I need my own time.  When it comes allocating time to people I love, I never seem to have enough.

Anyways, long story short, I recently had a problem with an exchange of services for money.  What I expected was vastly different from what the other person’s expectations were.  And now, with the time coming closer to the requirement of my services, there is an uncomfortable feeling within me.

I think it is a battle of the past me with the new me, and the resulting emotions playing out within.  The old me says to suck it up, and accept what has been offered.  The new me says Fuck that!  Have some pride!  Don’t settle!  I wish it were that easy, as the situation is slightly complicated and involves other people who are depending on me, and really are not involved in the financial aspect of the situation.

If anything, I have learned a huge lesson from this.

And that is something to be thankful for.  Part of growth and development is making mistakes.  I definitely made a mistake in not defining exactly how much I expected, and that is something I can grow from.  My undefined feelings then are a mix of dissatisfaction, annoyance, uselessness, etc.

Gotta change. Grow. Learn.