What I want to do is describe why exactly I feel the way I do about a particular situation. But I have been having difficulty defining the reason for the emotions I have. It’s probably not appropriate to divulge specifics in this space either, but I do need an outlet, and that is the main reason this blog exists.
The situation involves people I have known for over a year. It involves agreements, and money. It involves time and planning. Somewhere – and I’m pretty sure I know the place – there was a miscommunication. And that was probably my fault. When it comes to discussing money, in particular money that someone will pay me for some kind of service I will provide, I have a block.
That block prevents me from being clear. It stops me from saying exactly what I think I am owed. I take into consideration other peoples opinions of me. Like, am I worth that amount of money? Do I need to provide the best of that particular service for them to appreciate me? What if they are not satisfied? These questions are a result of a lack of confidence in myself. It is a dismissal of the core values that I believe I hold close. It is a subconscious refusal to believe that I am worth what I expect.
It is only within the last year or so that I have even begun to question my own paradigms. It had taken me close to 40 years(!) to realize that I am worth exactly how much I define myself to be worth. Until recent years, I chronically undervalued myself. I would feel ashamed, embarrassed, or unworthy to accept money for a service that I provided. My worldview in relation to money was in large part formed by my penny-pinching parents, especially my father (RIP). It was framed in such a way that I viewed cheap things as valuable: the cheaper the better. So when I began to provide services for clients, that ‘cheaper is better’ worldview shaped my expectations of how much money I should receive.
And that led to uncomfortable situations that occurred when I needed to discuss with a client the price of my services. I used phrases like, ‘If it’s OK…….’, or I know it’s a little expensive, but….’. Discussing money with people has always been a challenge.
Now I look at receiving money as an exchange for my time. And my time has become increasingly more important. My son requires my time. So does my wife. I need my own time. When it comes allocating time to people I love, I never seem to have enough.
Anyways, long story short, I recently had a problem with an exchange of services for money. What I expected was vastly different from what the other person’s expectations were. And now, with the time coming closer to the requirement of my services, there is an uncomfortable feeling within me.
I think it is a battle of the past me with the new me, and the resulting emotions playing out within. The old me says to suck it up, and accept what has been offered. The new me says Fuck that! Have some pride! Don’t settle! I wish it were that easy, as the situation is slightly complicated and involves other people who are depending on me, and really are not involved in the financial aspect of the situation.
If anything, I have learned a huge lesson from this.
And that is something to be thankful for. Part of growth and development is making mistakes. I definitely made a mistake in not defining exactly how much I expected, and that is something I can grow from. My undefined feelings then are a mix of dissatisfaction, annoyance, uselessness, etc.
Gotta change. Grow. Learn.